The ultimate question, what is love? Growing up I had no clue what love was. My home enviroment was not one of love.
I grew up in England an only child. My mother is both Middle Eastern and French and my father was pure bred English. Both of my parents had been married before. My father was a closet alcholic, with a very volatile temper and my mother was terrified of everything. As a result of her fears, she was overly protective of me, to the point of being a paranoid hypochondriac.
My Mother grew up in a very turbulant home, with her brother in Tehran. Her mother was French, her father, Iranian. Her father was an OB-GYN. He had other wives too. Both her and her brother were sexually abused by their Uncle growing up. My mother married at a young age to get away, moving to USA, at nineteen. Her first marriage lasted all of five minutes. Her husband was a drunk and a gambler. He gambled all their money and one day took off and never came home again.
Her second marriage, she married a United States military man. They were happily married for a number of years and had a son in 1961, after a series of miscarriages. John, her husband was then deployed to Vietnam. He went MIA for over nine months and was assumed dead. He was then found in a Red Cross Hospital some time later. When he returned home, he was not the same man. He had been captured and tortured by the Vietnamese and suffered the emotional consequences. My mother could not take the violence and abuse and left him in the mid 70's. During this time she was gang raped and ended up in a mental institute, suffering a nervous breakdown. She returned to Tehran, to recover and met my father and married in 1975.
My father was born in 1941 in England, an only child to two blue collar workers. He grew up in diffucult times, just post war time. A time of deppression. He went to public school, enduring years of bullying, till he was 16 and then went to work. He did various things including; working in factories, traveling, accounting and finally settled working for packing companies and making a lifetime career of it. He married in his twenties, the first time and that marriage lasted a matter of months. His wife could not take his drinking habbits. She divorced him shortly after.
Now put those two hurting, wounded people together and you have a recipe for disaster. That's what I grew up in. Constant arguing, battling for control. No team-ship, no stability, no peace, no joy and certainly no LOVE! Add to that financial burdens they endured, miscarriages, a mixture of cultural differences and two very different people from two very different worlds. To summarize, we were a very dysfuctional family.
Growing up, we moved alot because of my fathers work. I went to different schools and this made it hard to establish nay long term relationships. As I got older, I became more hateful and bitter towards my parents and this led into my teenage years being the worst years of my life. Drugs, alchol, teenage pregnancy and abortion, abusive boyfriends, leaving home, getting thrown out of school, mental illness, suicide attempts and eventually mental institute. I hated my life, my parents, myself and the whole world. Yet, all of this stemed from a huge desire to be loved, heard, accepted and valued. None of which I felt. Then it was all Gods fault for bringing me into the World. A World I did not ask to be born into. He must really hate me too! I was obviously a very messed up, confused, hurting person. I longed for love but it eluded me. What was love anyway? Hence my quest to find it.
Fast forward a few years. Into my mid twenties. After years of more turmoil, loss, marriage, divorce, rehab, pych hospital, having a son, losing him, moving to the USA in 2001 and going through similar patters of behavoir as in my teen years, I finally came to the end of myself. Empty, void of feeling, lost, despairing and hopeless. I turned to the only person left, seeing as I had tried everything else...God!
I cried out to him to save me or kill me! Sure enough he reached out to me in my brokeness and helped me. He helped work through my hatered, bitterness, anger, rage,unforgiveness, shame, guilt, fear, self-hatered, trust issues, mental health problems. One day at a time, he showed me he could be trusted, that life was worth living. That I was of value, that he loved me, just as I was, filth and all. That I had a future! That I wasn't a stupid idiot. He broke through my hard heartedness and hurt. I cried, I wailed, I screamed, snot flying and all. God looked on me and smiled and loved me to wholeness. He saw past my hurts to the person deep down inside, an innocent little girl just crying out to be loved!!
He was so patient with me, as I went through my go through. He encouraged me all the time, with his Word, with visions and dreams he gave me. Most of all with people he gave me at various times to speak to me. Christian people, who be-friended me and loved me through tough times. Who walked through the pain with me, to the end. Until I was whole. People who didn't judge me, condemn me, or give their opinions but just were faithful, transparent, real and true. This is love!!
Part of love is "MEETING ANOTHER PERSONS NEEDS AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR OWN". I had never encountered this before. It was so foreign to me. I didn't trust people just to give to me, or love me unconditional wihtough some hidden agenda, or cost. It was very weird for the longest time, until I learnt this is the way it's supposed to be!
Then add to this God giving a wonderful Godly husband. A man only God knew could handle someone like me. A good man, an honest man, a patient, self sacrificing man. A man of wisdom, kindness, compassion and with a huge heart full of self-less love. A man who never critized me, beat me, used me sexually, demeaned me, stole from me, lied to me or cheated on me! Was this guy for real? What was he after? He was still a man, right? He must be after something? OOHHHH yeah, I tested him on it too. Any other man would have told me to go to Hell and been gone long ago! Not this man! Five years later, he's still here. Full of love, kind words, hugs, kisses, smiles, cuddles and all. Wow! This is love too!!
Now add to that, the fact that here I am, now helping other broken peole be healed. How funny is that! A person like me!! That's God, and that's LOVE too!I get the opportunity to help, love, pray, speak life and LOVE to hurting individuals everyday. WOW! This is my passion, my LOVE, my destiny, what I was born for!
Everyday, I get to experience life on the other side of HELL, deppression, hate, fear. etc. A life of experiences full of wonder, joy, fulfilment, meaning and love. Who'd of thought it? Certainly not me, not even six or seven years ago. Yet here I am. Me and my little life, TRANSFORMED. This is LOVE!!
Do I still have crappy days? Yep, you betcha. Had one yesterday, that wasn't so hot BUT today is going pretty darn good! I am learning that no matter what life throws my way, or what people say about me, that I am LOVED, no matter what. That there is one, who will never leave or forsake me, who knows all my wrong doings, my secret stuff and loves me still, who looks on me with a smile, with words of love and encouragement. One who looks at me with joy and gladness that I am alive! That looks beyond my outward stuff and sees my little heart. That there is one who understands me so perfectly and is always on my side, cheering me on, willing to help me through it all, who teaches me about life, love and relationships. This is such a comfort to me. I AM LOVED!!
The Bible defines love as;
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails. (1Corinthians 13 vs 4-8)
Love takes a broken person like me and spends time nuturing them back to health, wholeness and happiness, no matter what the cost! THAT IS LOVE!
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